If You're Curious About These Questions...
You should listen to this audiobook
- Did you know that your most heated arguments today might actually be driven by unresolved patterns from your past?
- Have you ever wondered why some conflicts never seem to end, and what it really takes to reach a state of complete resolution and closure?
- What if you could turn every high-stakes disagreement into an opportunity to strengthen your bond instead of pushing people away?
Listen to Getting to Zero — Free Audiobook
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Key Takeaways from Getting to Zero
- Learn how to 'get to zero' and use interpersonal conflict as a powerful tool to save or rekindle your most important relationships.
- Discover why relationship conflicts typically stem from feeling threatened by either too much closeness or too much distance.
- Identify your personal conflict coping mechanisms—posturing, collapsing, seeking, or avoiding—so you can better manage your defensive reactions.
- Master the 'conflict box' exercise to systematically map out your unresolved issues, process your feelings, and take ownership of your role in a dispute.
- Understand how your childhood 'relational blueprint' impacts your adult relationships, and learn why feeling safe, seen, and soothed is essential for navigating disputes.
Learning Tools
Reinforce what you learned from Getting to Zero
Mind Map
Getting to Zero
Core Concepts of Conflict+
The Inner Work+
Resolution Tools+
The 5 Common Conflicts+
Roadblocks & Moving Forward+
Quiz — Test Your Understanding
Question 1 of 10
According to the book, what are the two primary relational triggers that usually cause threatened feelings and lead to conflict?
Question 2 of 10
Which of the following is NOT one of the four main coping mechanisms, or 'disconnectors,' people use when triggered?
Question 3 of 10
When creating a 'conflict box' to map out an unresolved issue, what is the purpose of adding the sixth row?
Question 4 of 10
According to the author, what is 'conflict creep'?
Question 5 of 10
To help manage your own reactions during a conflict, the author recommends increasing your Emotional Discomfort Threshold (EDT) using NESTR meditation. What does the 'R' in NESTR stand for?
Question 6 of 10
What is the primary goal of the LUFU technique during a conflict?
Question 7 of 10
When it is your turn to speak during a conflict, the author suggests using the SHORE framework. What is the very first step in this speaking process?
Question 8 of 10
If a person continually reacts to their partner as if the partner is criticizing them, largely because their parent used to criticize them, which of the five common conflicts are they experiencing?
Question 9 of 10
What is the author's perspective on using apologies to resolve conflicts?
Question 10 of 10
In order for a childhood attachment relationship to be considered secure, which four relational needs must be met?
Getting to Zero — Full Chapter Overview
- 1Recommendation
- 2Conflict usually arises from either too much closeness or far too much emotional distance.
- 3Resolving conflict starts by identifying someone you want to get back to zero with.
- 4How you were raised shapes how you approach your high-stakes relationships.
- 5Resolving conflict demands you fully understand the cost of avoiding conflict.
- 6To resolve conflict, learn to live with your own discomfort and with how the other person experiences conflict.
- 7Listen until the other person feels heard.
- 8Resolving conflict requires empathy.
- 9Grasping the five most common conflicts helps you resolve them.
- 10You may face roadblocks to reconnection, but you can still ease conflict with agreements.
Getting to Zero Summary & Overview
Getting to Zero (2021) is a guide to dealing with conflict in intimate, high-stakes relationships – those with your family, good friends, and partners. It describes a process for “getting to zero” by achieving resolution and closure after conflict.
Who Should Listen to Getting to Zero?
- Conflict avoiders
- Those who project childhood experiences onto others
- All who want to resolve conflict in their interpersonal relationships
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