What will I learn about: why biological drives and evolutionary traits like physical symmetry only scratch the surface of the complexities behind human attraction and desire?

Understand why biological drives and evolutionary traits like physical symmetry only scratch the surface of the complexities behind human attraction and desire.

What will I learn about: how growing up and conforming to societal expectations turn our bodies into taboos, creating a sense of isolation and shame around natural urges?

Discover how growing up and conforming to societal expectations turn our bodies into taboos, creating a sense of isolation and shame around natural urges.

What will I learn about: Learn how sexual intimacy provides a rare, liberating escape from rigid social decorum, allowing us to safely reconcile our public personas with our private selves?

Learn how sexual intimacy provides a rare, liberating escape from rigid social decorum, allowing us to safely reconcile our public personas with our private selves.

What will I learn about: why the profound pleasure of partnered intimacy, such as a first kiss, stems from deep psychological acceptance rather than just physical nerve stimulation?

Find out why the profound pleasure of partnered intimacy, such as a first kiss, stems from deep psychological acceptance rather than just physical nerve stimulation.

What will I learn about: Uncover how your childhood experiences and the unconscious mind secretly mold your adult desires, giving you the tools to navigate the emotional maze of modern sex?

Uncover how your childhood experiences and the unconscious mind secretly mold your adult desires, giving you the tools to navigate the emotional maze of modern sex.

How to Think More About Sex

Sage sex advice from a philosophical polymath

Alain de Botton

★ 4.2 / 5(242 ratings)

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Categories:

Sex & Relationships

If You're Curious About These Questions...

You should listen to this audiobook

💡Have you ever wondered why sexual desire often feels so complicated and contradictory, even when we’re with the person we love?
💡What if the secret to maintaining a vibrant sex life in a long-term relationship isn’t more spontaneity, but a completely different way of thinking?
💡Did you know that our most 'unusual' or 'strange' desires might actually hold the key to understanding our deepest psychological needs?

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Key Takeaways from How to Think More About Sex

✓Understand why biological drives and evolutionary traits like physical symmetry only scratch the surface of the complexities behind human attraction and desire.
✓Discover how growing up and conforming to societal expectations turn our bodies into taboos, creating a sense of isolation and shame around natural urges.
✓Learn how sexual intimacy provides a rare, liberating escape from rigid social decorum, allowing us to safely reconcile our public personas with our private selves.
✓Find out why the profound pleasure of partnered intimacy, such as a first kiss, stems from deep psychological acceptance rather than just physical nerve stimulation.
✓Uncover how your childhood experiences and the unconscious mind secretly mold your adult desires, giving you the tools to navigate the emotional maze of modern sex.

Learning Tools

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Mind Map

How to Think More About Sex

The Nature of Desire+

Sex and Society+

Navigating Intentions & Rejection+

Challenges of Long-Term Relationships+

Rekindling Passion+

Modern Sexual Dilemmas+

Quiz — Test Your Understanding

Question 1 of 10

According to the text, why does evolutionary biology fail to provide a complete picture of human sexual desire?

A. It cannot explain why we find physical strength or facial symmetry attractive.
B. It fails to account for phenomena like impotence with an attractive partner or the preference for partnered sex over masturbation.
C. It completely ignores the role of nerve endings in generating physical pleasure during copulation.
D. It focuses too much on childhood development and ignores the biological imperative to reproduce.

Question 2 of 10

How does the book describe the role of sex in relation to societal norms and personal isolation?

A. Sex reinforces the social taboos we learn during childhood, making us feel more isolated.
B. Sex acts as a bridge that allows us to reconcile our public persona with our 'shameful' private self.
C. Sex is primarily a biological function that operates completely independently of our social conditioning.
D. Sex forces us to maintain the strict personal space boundaries we establish as adults.

Question 3 of 10

Based on the psychological perspective presented in the text, why might an anxious person find a calm, simple painting or a highly focused partner attractive?

A. Because we are biologically hardwired to seek out partners with strong immune systems.
B. Because we tend to find attractive the psychological virtues and qualities that we ourselves lack.
C. Because societal norms dictate that opposites must attract in order to maintain domestic harmony.
D. Because anxious individuals are subconsciously trying to recreate the trauma of their childhood.

Question 4 of 10

How does Alain de Botton suggest we view sexual fetishes?

A. As dangerous deviations that need to be repressed to maintain a healthy long-term relationship.
B. As purely visual stimuli that have no connection to a person's emotional or psychological history.
C. As windows into our unconscious that symbolize higher, intangible qualities and childhood experiences.
D. As biological errors caused by a failure to adapt to evolutionary mating preferences.

Question 5 of 10

The author compares sexual rejection to the weather in order to illustrate that:

A. Rejection is a punishment for our past misdeeds in relationships.
B. Rejection is a conscious, spiteful choice made by the other person.
C. Rejection is an automatic, irreversible reflex that we shouldn't take as a personal judgment of our worth.
D. Rejection changes frequently and unpredictably, so we should always try again the next day.

Question 6 of 10

Why does casual, unguarded nudity in a long-term relationship often fail to trigger sexual arousal?

A. Because the naked body becomes embedded in the practical routines of everyday domestic life rather than being used to seduce.
B. Because humans are biologically programmed to only feel arousal when seeing a completely new partner.
C. Because long-term partners intentionally use nudity to establish dominance rather than intimacy.
D. Because the physical appearance of partners inevitably deteriorates over time, eliminating biological attraction.

Question 7 of 10

What is the primary cause of the tension between domestic life and sex?

A. Domestic life requires playfulness, while sex requires strict self-control and discipline.
B. Domestic life is about discipline and taking control, whereas sex is about playfulness and relinquishing control.
C. Domestic life forces partners to spend too much money, leaving them too stressed for eroticism.
D. Domestic life encourages the 'Madonna-whore' complex, which makes all forms of sex impossible.

Question 8 of 10

In the context of long-term relationships, what does the 'incest taboo' refer to?

A. The tendency for couples to eventually want to introduce a third person into their relationship.
B. The subconscious loss of sexual desire that occurs when we love a partner so much they begin to feel like a family member.
C. The societal rule that prevents people from marrying their childhood friends.
D. The psychological complex where a person is only attracted to someone who looks exactly like their parent.

Question 9 of 10

How does the author suggest pornography could be improved to be less destructive?

A. By making it completely illegal and heavily censoring the internet.
B. By ensuring it only features amateur actors in realistic domestic settings.
C. By taking a cue from religious art and combining sexual allure with the promotion of higher virtues and ethics.
D. By focusing exclusively on the biological mechanisms of reproduction rather than pleasure.

Question 10 of 10

What is the book's perspective on the blame surrounding adultery?

A. The betrayer is entirely at fault because infidelity is an unnatural biological urge.
B. The betrayed partner may also share some blame for letting the relationship reach a point where an affair became attractive.
C. Society is solely to blame because the modern institution of marriage is a completely flawless concept.
D. Neither partner is ever to blame, because humans are not meant to be monogamous under any circumstances.

How to Think More About Sex — Full Chapter Overview

1Recommendation
21 — Biology can explain attraction and why we have sex, but there’s much more to the story.
32 — Our sexual development pits us against social norms and can leave us feeling alone.
43 — Sex lets us escape social pressures and be ourselves.
54 — Our psychology ultimately decides who and what turns us on.
65 — Fetishes can offer windows into our inner lives.
76 — We should treat the need for love and the need for sex as equally legitimate.
87 — Rejection is like the weather; we shouldn’t take it personally.
98 — Long-term relationships don’t ensure frequent sex or freedom from rejection.
109 — Moving between everyday life and erotic life is no easy task.
1110 — Whether we feel attracted to our partner depends on the perspective we adopt.
1211 — We can change how we see our partner without leaving them.
1312 — Pornography is a huge waste of time, though it might not be if it learned from religious art.
1413 — Don’t judge infidelity too harshly, but still value fidelity.
1514 — Final summary

How to Think More About Sex Summary & Overview

In How to Think More About Sex (2012), Alain de Botton dives into the strange and often uncomfortable world of sex. A nuanced reflection on the true meaning of sex and its place in our lives, these blinks are full of both insights into the psychology of desire and practical advice, such as how to maintain sexual interest within long-term relationships. Sex, de Botton ultimately concludes, will never be simple, but it can be enjoyable. All we need to do is think about it more.

Who Should Listen to How to Think More About Sex?

Anyone who wants to understand their own sexual desires
Fans of Freudian psychology and would-be philosophers of sex
Anyone who’s ever felt sexually deprived or been stung by rejection

About the Author: Alain de Botton

Alain de Botton is a thinker determined to bring philosophy into the heart of everyday life. The author of seven books on topics ranging from architecture to social anxiety, he is also the founder of the School of Life, an educational company that offers courses designed to help us lead fulfilling lives.

How to Think More About Sex

If You're Curious About These Questions...

Listen to How to Think More About Sex — Free Audiobook

Key Takeaways from How to Think More About Sex

Learning Tools

Mind Map

Quiz — Test Your Understanding

How to Think More About Sex — Full Chapter Overview

How to Think More About Sex Summary & Overview

Who Should Listen to How to Think More About Sex?

About the Author: Alain de Botton

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