How Not to Kill Yourself: A Portrait of the Suicidal Mind

Clancy Martin has lived for decades with a truth most people whisper, if they speak it at all: sometimes the thought of ending your life can feel like relief. In this candid, often darkly funny, and profoundly compassionate book, he tells the story of his own repeated attempts and the long path back—through psychiatric wards and AA basements, philosophy seminars and long nights alone—with the steadiness of someone who’s been there and survived. Martin pairs harrowing personal scenes with bracingly clear explanations of what’s going on in our heads: the seductive logic of the death drive, the tug-of-war between the will to live and the urge to disappear, and the surprising ways shame, anger, addiction, and love thread through suicidal thinking. He talks about the people we’ve lost and the ones who made it, the danger and solace of social media, why “relapse is part of recovery,” and the simple, stubborn practices that help when nothing else does. This is not a glamorization of suicide. It’s a manual for staying, for finding reasons that work today, and for learning how to talk—gently and directly—about the hardest thing.

• Anyone living with recurrent suicidal thoughts who needs practical, nonjudgmental tools to get through today
• Partners, parents, and friends who want to learn how to talk to someone who is struggling
• People in recovery (or relapse) who recognize the link between addiction and suicidality
• Mental health professionals and peer supporters seeking lived-experience insight
• Readers who appreciate memoirs that mix philosophy, honesty, and useful strategies

Clancy Martin is a philosopher and novelist who teaches at the University of Missouri–Kansas City and at Ashoka University in India. A recovering alcoholic and a survivor of more than ten suicide attempts, he writes with unusual frankness about addiction, depression, and suicidal thinking. His essays have appeared in The New Yorker, Harper’s, The Atlantic, and elsewhere. He lives with his family and spends a lot of time walking, talking, and practicing the ordinary habits that keep him here.