The Relationship Cure audiobook cover - A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

The Relationship Cure

A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships

John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire

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Communication SkillsSex & Relationships

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The Relationship Cure
The Love Lab Discoveries+
Understanding Bids+
Decoding Hidden Messages+
Making Better Bids+
Responding Effectively+
Long-Term Patterns+

Quiz — Test Your Understanding

Question 1 of 9
What surprising discovery did Dr. Gottman make about forming close relationships during his 'Love Lab' experiment?
  • A. Couples who share their deepest, most personal traumas immediately form the strongest bonds.
  • B. It relies on how people engage in mundane, everyday interactions rather than deep self-disclosure.
  • C. Physical affection is significantly more important than verbal communication in establishing trust.
  • D. The physical environment and setting play the most crucial role in how couples resolve conflicts.
Question 2 of 9
According to the authors, what is a 'bid'?
  • A. A formal request for a change in a relationship's dynamic or structure.
  • B. A financial compromise made between partners to reduce household stress.
  • C. Any attempt to establish an emotional connection through verbal or nonverbal communication.
  • D. A psychological technique used exclusively in couples therapy to de-escalate arguments.
Question 3 of 9
What are the three ways a person can respond to a bid for connection?
  • A. Accepting, rejecting, or ignoring.
  • B. Validating, criticizing, or stonewalling.
  • C. Escalating, de-escalating, or neutralizing.
  • D. Turning toward, turning away from, or turning against.
Question 4 of 9
Why do people often make their bids for connection subtle or vague, such as commenting on the temperature instead of directly asking for a cuddle?
  • A. To save face and lessen the emotional blow if the bid is rejected.
  • B. To manipulate their partner into doing something they don't want to do.
  • C. Because they are unaware of their own physical surroundings.
  • D. To test their partner's emotional intelligence and attentiveness.
Question 5 of 9
How should one approach a bid that sounds like a complaint or a criticism, such as a spouse asking, 'Why don't you ever call me?'
  • A. Defend yourself by explaining your schedule and setting firm boundaries.
  • B. Ignore the complaint until the person can communicate more politely.
  • C. Look beneath the surface to recognize and address the underlying unmet emotional need.
  • D. Point out the flaw in their communication style so they can learn to ask properly.
Question 6 of 9
What does the term 'emotional heritage' refer to in the context of the book?
  • A. The genetic predisposition a person has toward certain moods and temperaments.
  • B. The shared cultural background that dictates how a couple manages their household.
  • C. The baggage and communication styles carried over from a person's past relationships and childhood.
  • D. The formal psychological evaluation used to diagnose emotional disorders.
Question 7 of 9
What is recommended when you are about to make a bid that stems from frustration or a need for change?
  • A. State your demands as forcefully as possible so there is no room for misinterpretation.
  • B. Reflect on your underlying unmet need and express it using soft language.
  • C. Wait until your partner makes a bid first, then use it to bring up your frustration.
  • D. Suppress the frustration and express only positive emotions to avoid conflict.
Question 8 of 9
How can you respond positively to a bid if you cannot accept the specific request (e.g., an invitation to lunch when you are too busy)?
  • A. Say yes anyway to avoid damaging the relationship, even if it causes you stress.
  • B. Give a blunt 'no' so that the person learns to respect your boundaries.
  • C. Affirm your desire to connect and offer an alternative way or time to interact.
  • D. Ignore the bid entirely so the person naturally infers that you are busy.
Question 9 of 9
According to Dr. Gottman's research, what is a strong predictor of marital problems and potential divorce?
  • A. A high frequency of mundane, small-talk conversations rather than deep discussions.
  • B. A pattern of one or both partners frequently turning against or away from each other's bids.
  • C. Couples who spend more than 12 hours a day in close proximity to one another.
  • D. The occasional use of vague language when making bids for physical affection.

The Relationship Cure — Full Chapter Overview

The Relationship Cure Summary & Overview

The Relationship Cure (2002) prescribes a surprisingly simple solution to the problems that ail many of our relationships. Drawing on psychologist John M. Gottman’s extensive research, its insights and tips are equally applicable to relationships between romantic partners, friends, family members, and coworkers. 

Who Should Listen to The Relationship Cure?

  • Couples experiencing relationship problems
  • People looking for ways to get closer to their friends, coworkers, or family members 
  • Anyone wanting to improve their communication and relationship-building skills

About the Author: John M. Gottman and Joan DeClaire

John M. Gottman is both a research and clinical psychologist with over four decades of experience. He is currently a professor emeritus at the University of Washington. Together with his wife, he is the cofounder of The Gottman Institute, which trains therapists to apply the principles he’s derived from his research. He is the author or coauthor of more than 190 academic papers and 40 books, including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a New York Times best seller. 

Joan DeClaire is the director of communications at the Kaiser Permanente Washington Health Research Institute. She has three decades of professional experience communicating health and psychology research to the general public. She has previously coauthored two books with John M. Gottman: The Heart of Parenting and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

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