What will I learn about: We unconsciously choose partners who resemble our childhood caregivers—an 'Imago' figure—in an attempt to recreate our early environment and heal old childhood wounds?

We unconsciously choose partners who resemble our childhood caregivers—an 'Imago' figure—in an attempt to recreate our early environment and heal old childhood wounds.

What will I learn about: When a partner fails to meet our subconscious expectations, our brain's limbic system associates this emotional pain with physical danger, causing us to temporarily view them as mortal enemies?

When a partner fails to meet our subconscious expectations, our brain's limbic system associates this emotional pain with physical danger, causing us to temporarily view them as mortal enemies.

What will I learn about: Unconditional, personalized gift-giving fulfills a partner's deep-rooted childhood expectation of a caregiver who intuitively anticipates and meets their specific needs?

Unconditional, personalized gift-giving fulfills a partner's deep-rooted childhood expectation of a caregiver who intuitively anticipates and meets their specific needs.

What will I learn about: Couples can de-escalate conflicts and foster deep connection by practicing a three-step listening approach: mirroring the problem, validating the logic, and empathizing with the emotion?

Couples can de-escalate conflicts and foster deep connection by practicing a three-step listening approach: mirroring the problem, validating the logic, and empathizing with the emotion.

What will I learn about: Willingly changing your behaviors to meet your partner's unmet childhood needs is the ultimate expression of love, allowing both individuals to shed their egos and experience personal growth?

Willingly changing your behaviors to meet your partner's unmet childhood needs is the ultimate expression of love, allowing both individuals to shed their egos and experience personal growth.

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Getting The Love You Want

A Guide for Couples

Harville Hendrix

★ 4.3 / 5(298 ratings)

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Categories:

Sex & Relationships

If You're Curious About These Questions...

You should listen to this audiobook

💡Have you ever wondered why we are subconsciously drawn to partners who mirror our parents' most challenging traits—and how this "Imago" figure holds the secret to your emotional healing?
💡Did you know that your brain's ancient limbic system might be tricking you into seeing your spouse as a mortal enemy, and are you unknowingly using "exit routes" like hobbies or social media to escape them?
💡What if you could stop recurring arguments forever by mastering the three-step "mirroring" technique and using "container transactions" to transform rage into deep connection?

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Key Takeaways from Getting The Love You Want

✓We unconsciously choose partners who resemble our childhood caregivers—an 'Imago' figure—in an attempt to recreate our early environment and heal old childhood wounds.
✓When a partner fails to meet our subconscious expectations, our brain's limbic system associates this emotional pain with physical danger, causing us to temporarily view them as mortal enemies.
✓Unconditional, personalized gift-giving fulfills a partner's deep-rooted childhood expectation of a caregiver who intuitively anticipates and meets their specific needs.
✓Couples can de-escalate conflicts and foster deep connection by practicing a three-step listening approach: mirroring the problem, validating the logic, and empathizing with the emotion.
✓Willingly changing your behaviors to meet your partner's unmet childhood needs is the ultimate expression of love, allowing both individuals to shed their egos and experience personal growth.

Learning Tools

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Mind Map

Getting The Love You Want

Partner Selection & The Imago+

Conflict & Subconscious Reactions+

Healing Communication Strategies+

Growth & Connection+

Quiz — Test Your Understanding

Question 1 of 8

According to the book, what is the 'Imago' figure?

A. A psychological defense mechanism used to avoid emotional intimacy.
B. An unconscious image of an ideal caregiver that influences our choice of partner.
C. A therapeutic technique used to mirror a partner's emotions during arguments.
D. The evolutionary part of the brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response.

Question 2 of 8

Why does the author suggest we are often drawn to partners who are our complete opposites?

A. Because opposite personalities naturally experience less conflict in daily routines.
B. To challenge and break free from deeply ingrained childhood beliefs.
C. To regain traits and a sense of wholeness that we lost when entering adulthood.
D. Because our limbic system associates similarity with evolutionary danger.

Question 3 of 8

Why might a person subconsciously view their partner as a 'mortal enemy' when expectations aren't met?

A. The limbic system instinctively associates any emotional pain with death.
B. The partner's traits trigger repressed memories of childhood abuse.
C. The ego naturally views any demand for change as a lethal threat.
D. Unconditional gift-giving creates a power imbalance that triggers survival instincts.

Question 4 of 8

How does the author interpret spending excessive amounts of time on solitary hobbies or activities away from a partner?

A. As a healthy and necessary way to maintain independence and boundaries.
B. As a subconscious method of keeping an escape route open to avoid the partner.
C. As an essential step in developing universal brotherly love (agape).
D. As a 'container transaction' used to safely process and manage anger.

Question 5 of 8

What did psychologist Richard Stuart's 'caring days program' reveal about gift-giving in relationships?

A. Gifts must be expensive or extravagant to communicate genuine affection.
B. Unpredictable, random acts of kindness are more effective than requested favors.
C. The receiver feels loved because energy is focused on them, even if the giver is just going through the motions.
D. Partners should instinctively know what to give without needing to be told.

Question 6 of 8

In the three-step approach to non-judgmental listening, what is the primary goal of the 'validating' step?

A. To paraphrase the partner's words to prove you heard them correctly.
B. To show the partner that you understand the logic of their opinion so they don't feel crazy.
C. To express agreement and apologize for your role in the conflict.
D. To acknowledge and absorb a partner's exaggerated emotional state.

Question 7 of 8

What is a 'container transaction' in the context of the book's relationship therapy?

A. A method of safely and harmlessly expressing anger or rage in a controlled environment.
B. A financial agreement couples make to ensure equality and trust in the relationship.
C. A technique for blocking exit routes during the 12-week Imago therapy program.
D. A process of exchanging lists of desires to guarantee unconditional gift-giving.

Question 8 of 8

According to the author, what is the ultimate benefit of being willing to change your personality to meet your partner's needs?

A. It guarantees that you will never experience conflict in the relationship again.
B. It allows you to subconsciously manipulate your partner into fulfilling your own needs.
C. It helps you shed egotistical behaviors and opens you up to universal brotherly love.
D. It proves to your partner that they were right and you were wrong in past arguments.

Getting The Love You Want — Full Chapter Overview

1Recommendation
2Your choice of partner is shaped by hidden childhood desires.
3Couples may fall out of love when they notice traits that resemble a parent’s character.
4People often seek ways out of a relationship without realizing it consciously.
5Gift giving strengthens relationships because both partners secretly expect it.
6Discover the three-step method for non-judgmental listening.
7Use container transactions to express rage without causing harm.
8Changing your personality and letting go of your ego can be a sign of love and help you grow.
9Final summary

Getting The Love You Want Summary & Overview

Getting The Love You Want (1988) offers practical advice on how to save a failing relationship and build a stronger one. It highlights a unique therapy program that offers a step-by-step guide to helping partners address repressed childhood desires and become more compassionate individuals.

Who Should Listen to Getting The Love You Want?

Couples looking to reboot a relationship
People curious about Freudian psychoanalysis

About the Author: Harville Hendrix

Harville Hendrix is a relationship counselor with more than 30 years of experience. He is a popular guest on Oprah, and his appearances on the show have helped him to introduce the Imago Relationship Therapy program to an international audience. He also wrote the bestselling books Receiving Love and Keeping the Love You Find.