The Gift of Failure audiobook cover - How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed

The Gift of Failure

How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed

Jessica Lahey

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Parenting

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The Gift of Failure
The Evolution of Parenting+
Motivation and Rewards+
Autonomy-Supportive Parenting+
The Right Way to Praise+
Household Duties and Purpose+
Social Skills and Free Play+
Grades vs. Self-Determined Goals+

Quiz — Test Your Understanding

Question 1 of 8
What was the unintended consequence of the self-esteem movement in children's education, according to psychologist Jean Twenge?
  • A. It created a generation of highly independent thinkers.
  • B. It turned people into narcissists.
  • C. It caused children to lose intrinsic motivation for schoolwork.
  • D. It led to a decrease in academic performance across the board.
Question 2 of 8
What did psychologist Harry Harlow's experiment with monkeys demonstrate regarding motivation?
  • A. Regular external rewards decrease a subject's interest in resolving a task.
  • B. Monkeys learn faster when they are punished for their mistakes.
  • C. Intrinsic motivation can only be developed through strict discipline.
  • D. External rewards are necessary to initiate enthusiasm for a new task.
Question 3 of 8
How does an 'autonomy-supportive' parenting style differ from a 'permissive' parenting style?
  • A. Autonomy-supportive parenting avoids setting any expectations for the child.
  • B. Autonomy-supportive parenting involves setting limits and holding children responsible for not meeting expectations.
  • C. Autonomy-supportive parenting relies heavily on external rewards to guide behavior.
  • D. Autonomy-supportive parenting requires parents to provide solutions before the child struggles.
Question 4 of 8
Based on Carol Dweck’s research, why is it harmful to praise a child for 'who they are' (e.g., saying 'You're so smart')?
  • A. It makes the child overconfident and less likely to listen to teachers.
  • B. It creates a fixed mindset where the child is less likely to persevere through challenging tasks.
  • C. It causes the child to become overly competitive with their peers.
  • D. It places too much emphasis on effort rather than natural talent.
Question 5 of 8
Why does the author suggest referring to household chores as 'family contributions'?
  • A. To trick children into thinking the work is a fun game.
  • B. To show children the value of their actions and that they play a key role in the family.
  • C. To make parents feel less guilty about assigning difficult tasks to young children.
  • D. To align with modern educational standards that discourage the word 'chore.'
Question 6 of 8
What did psychologist Hara Estroff Marano find regarding free play in kindergarten?
  • A. It is less effective than standardized achievement tests in determining intelligence.
  • B. It is a 40 percent better predictor for academic success than standardized achievement tests.
  • C. It often leads to unresolved conflicts that require parental intervention.
  • D. It should be highly structured by teachers to ensure children develop empathy.
Question 7 of 8
In a Japanese study on math quizzes, how did the students perform when told the quiz was strictly to monitor their progress rather than impact their final grade?
  • A. They performed worse because they lacked a strong external incentive.
  • B. They performed exactly the same, proving grades have no impact on test-taking ability.
  • C. They performed far better and learned more from the quizzes.
  • D. They rushed through the quiz, resulting in careless mistakes.
Question 8 of 8
What is the primary benefit of allowing children to struggle and fail, according to the overall message of the book?
  • A. It lowers their expectations so they are less disappointed by adulthood.
  • B. It equips them with the necessary patience, competence, and tools for a self-sufficient life.
  • C. It teaches them to rely entirely on their parents for emotional support.
  • D. It makes them highly competitive in academic environments.

The Gift of Failure — Full Chapter Overview

The Gift of Failure Summary & Overview

In The Gift of Failure (2015), Lahey offers compelling reasons for caregivers to relinquish control over their children and let them fail. By taking this approach, Lahey argues, it will give children an important opportunity to learn about their values and skills, while strengthening their confidence, autonomy and sense of responsibility.

Who Should Listen to The Gift of Failure?

  • Parents and caregivers
  • Teachers
  • Anyone working with children

About the Author: Jessica Lahey

Jessica Lahey is an author, journalist and speaker. She writes a biweekly column for The New York Times and is a contributing writer at The Atlantic magazine.

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