What will I learn about: why waning sexual desire is not a sign of a failing relationship, but a normal, inevitable phase that all committed couples experience?

Discover why waning sexual desire is not a sign of a failing relationship, but a normal, inevitable phase that all committed couples experience.

What will I learn about: the relative dynamic between the High Desire Partner and Low Desire Partner to let go of the worry that there is something wrong with your individual sex drive?

Understand the relative dynamic between the High Desire Partner and Low Desire Partner to let go of the worry that there is something wrong with your individual sex drive.

What will I learn about: Recognize that the lower desire partner always dictates when sex happens, a natural power dynamic that usually feels like a heavy burden rather than intentional spite?

Recognize that the lower desire partner always dictates when sex happens, a natural power dynamic that usually feels like a heavy burden rather than intentional spite.

What will I learn about: Learn how identifying your current desire roles helps eliminate personal guilt and blame, allowing you to tackle intimacy problems together as a united team?

Learn how identifying your current desire roles helps eliminate personal guilt and blame, allowing you to tackle intimacy problems together as a united team.

What will I learn about: how evolutionary biology purposefully uses the natural decline in honeymoon-phase desire to force couples to tolerate interpersonal tension and develop their individual sense of self?

Find out how evolutionary biology purposefully uses the natural decline in honeymoon-phase desire to force couples to tolerate interpersonal tension and develop their individual sense of self.

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Intimacy & Desire

Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship

David Schnarch

★ 4.3 / 5(553 ratings)

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Categories:

Sex & Relationships

If You're Curious About These Questions...

You should listen to this audiobook

💡Did you know that the sexual struggles in your long-term relationship are often a necessary catalyst for a much deeper level of intimacy?
💡Have you ever wondered why one partner almost always ends up with more 'sexual power' than the other, and what that really says about your bond?
💡What if the secret to reawakening passion isn't about learning new techniques, but about having the courage to truly confront yourself and your partner?

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Key Takeaways from Intimacy & Desire

✓Discover why waning sexual desire is not a sign of a failing relationship, but a normal, inevitable phase that all committed couples experience.
✓Understand the relative dynamic between the High Desire Partner and Low Desire Partner to let go of the worry that there is something wrong with your individual sex drive.
✓Recognize that the lower desire partner always dictates when sex happens, a natural power dynamic that usually feels like a heavy burden rather than intentional spite.
✓Learn how identifying your current desire roles helps eliminate personal guilt and blame, allowing you to tackle intimacy problems together as a united team.
✓Find out how evolutionary biology purposefully uses the natural decline in honeymoon-phase desire to force couples to tolerate interpersonal tension and develop their individual sense of self.

Learning Tools

Reinforce what you learned from Intimacy & Desire

Mind Map

Intimacy & Desire

The Desire Dynamic+

Evolutionary Purpose of Conflict+

The Validation Trap+

Developing a Solid Self+

Breaking Sexual Gridlock+

Collaborative Alliance+

Quiz — Test Your Understanding

Question 1 of 8

According to the text, what determines whether someone is the High Desire Partner (HDP) or the Low Desire Partner (LDP)?

A. It is a fixed biological predisposition that remains constant throughout a person's life.
B. It is determined by which partner initially pursued the relationship.
C. It is relative to their partner's level of desire and can shift over the course of the relationship.
D. It is based on a person's individual psychological makeup and past relationship trauma.

Question 2 of 8

In a committed relationship, who ultimately wields the power over whether sex happens or not?

A. The High Desire Partner (HDP), because they are the one actively making romantic overtures.
B. The Low Desire Partner (LDP), because they ultimately decide whether to accept the overtures.
C. Both partners equally, as healthy relationships rely on a perfectly balanced mutual consent.
D. The partner who possesses a stronger 'reflected sense of self.'

Question 3 of 8

From an evolutionary perspective, what is the radical theory proposed by the author regarding sexual desire problems?

A. They are nature's way of encouraging humans to seek multiple partners for genetic diversity.
B. They indicate that humans are not biologically built for long-term monogamy.
C. They are a byproduct of modern societal pressures and did not exist in early human ancestors.
D. They evolved to force partners to confront relationship issues, build resilience, and develop their sense of self.

Question 4 of 8

What is the danger of relying heavily on a 'reflected sense of self' in a romantic relationship?

A. It leads to emotional dependence and puts pressure on your partner to constantly validate you, creating a barrier to intimacy.
B. It causes you to lose your innate evolutionary ability to 'mind-map' your partner's emotions.
C. It forces the High Desire Partner to inevitably become the Low Desire Partner over time.
D. It makes you immune to your partner's feedback, leading to a severe lack of empathy.

Question 5 of 8

How does the author define a 'solid sense of self'?

A. The ability to perfectly mirror your partner's desires and emotional needs without conflict.
B. Knowing who you are and earning your own self-respect without needing your partner's constant approval.
C. A state of mind where you no longer experience any anxiety during sexual experimentation.
D. The capacity to completely ignore your partner's anxieties in order to protect your own peace.

Question 6 of 8

Why do most couples naturally resist altering their sexual routines as they settle into a relationship?

A. Because biological changes in the brain make it physically impossible to enjoy new experiences.
B. Because the Low Desire Partner uses routine as a way to maintain dominance over the High Desire Partner.
C. Because unfamiliar sexual behavior ventures into new territory, which can induce anxiety and discomfort.
D. Because their physical compatibility naturally decreases over time, making experimentation painful.

Question 7 of 8

What generally causes a relationship to reach a state of 'gridlock'?

A. When both partners refuse to take responsibility and continually accommodate each other's anxieties just to keep the peace.
B. When one partner develops a solid sense of self too quickly for the other to catch up.
C. When the High Desire Partner finally stops initiating sex altogether out of boredom.
D. When a couple attempts to change their sexual routine before establishing a comfort/safety cycle.

Question 8 of 8

Which physical mindfulness exercise does the author recommend to embody partnership and cooperatively confront relationship issues?

A. 'Mirroring movements,' where partners copy each other's physical gestures for ten minutes.
B. 'Silent walking,' where partners take a walk without speaking to lower anxiety levels.
C. 'Breathing in sync,' where partners sit back-to-back and match their respiratory rates.
D. 'Hugging till relaxed,' where partners stand and embrace for ten minutes while focusing on bodily sensations.

Intimacy & Desire — Full Chapter Overview

1Recommendation
21 — In every relationship, one partner has lower desire and the other has higher desire.
32 — The lower-desire partner always controls sex, whether they want to or not.
43 — Sexual desire problems are nature’s way of pushing us to grow.
54 — Most people in relationships track their partner’s mind for self-validation.
65 — Relying on your partner for self-validation destroys sexual intimacy.
76 — Sexual experimentation slows as partners settle into a relationship.
87 — Sexual growth often happens when couples feel they’ve hit a wall.
98 — Building a stronger collaborative alliance with your partner leads to better sex.
109 — Final summary

Intimacy & Desire Summary & Overview

Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (2009) explains why all people in committed, long-term relationships run into sexual problems. Driven by case studies of real couples in sex therapy, the book demonstrates how people in relationships can transform their perspective – and confront themselves and each other – to reawaken sexual passion.

Who Should Listen to Intimacy & Desire?

Anyone interested in relationship advice
Couples looking to overcome sexual problems
Partners who want to deepen their connection

About the Author: David Schnarch

Dr. David Schnarch is a licensed clinical psychologist and sex therapist. He is also the author of numerous books on intimacy, sexuality, and relationships, including the perennial best seller Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships and Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship.