What will I learn about: Trust is the oxygen of a relationship, built not overnight, but through months and years of reliable actions, punctuality, and keeping promises?

Trust is the oxygen of a relationship, built not overnight, but through months and years of reliable actions, punctuality, and keeping promises.

What will I learn about: Openly and specifically discussing sex and intimacy with your partner is scientifically proven to lead to a more frequent and satisfying sex life?

Openly and specifically discussing sex and intimacy with your partner is scientifically proven to lead to a more frequent and satisfying sex life.

What will I learn about: To prevent the severe drop in marital happiness that often accompanies having children, both partners must be highly involved from pregnancy onward and actively prioritize their intimate connection?

To prevent the severe drop in marital happiness that often accompanies having children, both partners must be highly involved from pregnancy onward and actively prioritize their intimate connection.

What will I learn about: A lifelong romance requires you to actively honor your partner's individual dreams, which sometimes means willingly putting your own aspirations on hold to support theirs?

A lifelong romance requires you to actively honor your partner's individual dreams, which sometimes means willingly putting your own aspirations on hold to support theirs.

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Eight Dates

Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams

★ 4.4 / 5(407 ratings)

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Categories:

Sex & Relationships

If You're Curious About These Questions...

You should listen to this audiobook

💡Did you know that the simple act of talking about your sex life is scientifically proven to lead to more frequent intimacy, yet a majority of couples avoid the conversation entirely?
💡Have you ever wondered why 67 percent of couples experience a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction after having a child, and what the 'masters' of relationships do to stay in the happy minority?
💡Are you curious why researchers found that sharing housework is the third most important element of a long-lasting marriage—and how your childhood history might be sabotaging your current conversations about money?

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Key Takeaways from Eight Dates

✓Trust is the oxygen of a relationship, built not overnight, but through months and years of reliable actions, punctuality, and keeping promises.
✓Openly and specifically discussing sex and intimacy with your partner is scientifically proven to lead to a more frequent and satisfying sex life.
✓Sharing unpaid household chores is the third most important element of a long-lasting marriage, directly following faithfulness and a healthy sex life.
✓To prevent the severe drop in marital happiness that often accompanies having children, both partners must be highly involved from pregnancy onward and actively prioritize their intimate connection.
✓A lifelong romance requires you to actively honor your partner's individual dreams, which sometimes means willingly putting your own aspirations on hold to support theirs.

Learning Tools

Reinforce what you learned from Eight Dates

Mind Map

Eight Dates

Date 1: Trust & Commitment+

Date 2: Conflict+

Date 3: Sex & Intimacy+

Date 4: Work & Money+

Date 5: Family & Children+

Date 6: Play & Adventure+

Date 7: Growth & Spirituality+

Date 8: Dreams+

Active Listening Rules+

Quiz — Test Your Understanding

Question 1 of 10

What is the recommended approach for going on the eight dates described in the book?

A. They must be completed in chronological order to build a proper foundation.
B. The order is not important, but both partners should read the material together beforehand.
C. They should only be attempted by couples who are currently experiencing relationship doubts.
D. Each date should be completed with a professional relationship counselor present.

Question 2 of 10

According to the authors, what is considered the 'oxygen' that helps every relationship breathe?

A. Physical intimacy
B. Shared financial goals
C. Trust
D. Spontaneous adventure

Question 3 of 10

How do the authors view conflict and fighting within a relationship?

A. It is a sign of fundamental incompatibility that should be avoided.
B. It can be a healthy and therapeutic way to express differences if handled correctly.
C. It is only productive if it results in one partner completely changing their mind.
D. It should be suppressed during dates to maintain a romantic atmosphere.

Question 4 of 10

What does research indicate about couples who openly discuss their sex life?

A. They actually have less sex because the mystery is gone.
B. They experience more frequent arguments about physical intimacy.
C. They have more sex, and the women experience more frequent orgasms.
D. They tend to have identical backgrounds regarding how their families viewed sex.

Question 5 of 10

What did a 2007 Pew Research study identify as the third most important element of a long-lasting marriage?

A. Earning equivalent salaries
B. Sharing housework
C. Taking regular vacations
D. Having children

Question 6 of 10

What type of setting is recommended for the date concerning work and money?

A. An expensive, fancy restaurant to celebrate financial success.
B. A bank or financial planner's office to ensure practicality.
C. A cheap setting, such as getting take-out and eating at home.
D. A public park with lots of distractions to keep the mood light.

Question 7 of 10

What phenomenon did author John Gottman observe in couples who had a child within four years of getting married?

A. A 67 percent drop in marital happiness.
B. A complete elimination of relationship conflict.
C. A significant increase in their shared financial savings.
D. A renewed sense of spontaneous play and adventure.

Question 8 of 10

According to the text, how can heterosexual couples mitigate the drop in marital happiness that often accompanies having a child?

A. By ensuring the mother takes on the primary parenting role.
B. By involving the father heavily in the pregnancy and birth.
C. By moving closer to their extended families for support.
D. By avoiding discussions about the child until after birth.

Question 9 of 10

How do the strongest couples handle the inevitable changes that occur in their relationship over time?

A. They resist change to maintain the dynamic they had when they first met.
B. They accommodate each person's changes and use them to grow as a couple.
C. They agree to only make life changes if both partners benefit financially.
D. They ignore personal changes to focus entirely on raising their children.

Question 10 of 10

What is the central theme of the final date regarding a partner's dreams?

A. You should convince your partner to adopt your dreams as their own.
B. You must evaluate whether your partner's dreams are financially viable.
C. You should help your partner achieve their dreams, even if it means putting your own on hold.
D. You should prioritize shared dreams and completely discard individual ones.

Eight Dates — Full Chapter Overview

1Recommendation
2Trust and commitment form the foundation of any successful long-term relationship.
3Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but there’s a right way to argue.
4Sex and intimacy can be difficult topics for some couples, but they need to be discussed.
5Resolving issues around work and money is essential for any successful relationship.
6Choices about family and children are serious and need thorough discussion.
7Play and adventure are essential parts of any successful relationship.
8Growth is constant in every relationship, and spiritual meaning can be part of it.
9To build a lifetime of love, always honor your partner’s dreams.
10Final summary

Eight Dates Summary & Overview

Eight Dates (2019) helps couples navigate the ups and downs of a relationship. Whether you’ve been married for years or have just met the love of your life, the bedrock of any relationship is quality conversation. Uncover your partner’s innermost needs and desires by going out on the eight themed dates set out by the authors in this book. But don’t stop there – the wisdom from these eight recommended dates can be applied to any date you and your partner go on.

Who Should Listen to Eight Dates?

Anyone in a relationship
Couples looking to bring romance back into their relationship
Aspiring couples therapists or psychology students

About the Author: John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams

Dr. John M. Gottman, PhD, is an American psychological researcher, clinician and award-winning speaker. He has over four decades of experience researching divorce prediction and marital stability.

John is married to Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, a clinical psychologist, speaker and author. Together, they founded the Gottman Institute, a center that provides couples with research-based tools to strengthen relationships. They’ve also published multiple books on love, romance and relationships, such as The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the "Love Lab" About What Women Really Want and The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the "Love Lab."

Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, is an integrative physician and the author of BodyWise: Discovering Your Body's Intelligence for Lifelong Health and Healing. Her husband, Doug Abrams, is the president and founder of Idea Architects, a literary agency. He is also the author of the best seller The Book of Joy, co-authored with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu.